They become resentful of relationships and obsessed with their own independence, using it as a way to push away opportunities for love and connection. It is a painful, resigned, lonely position to be in.
When somebody says to you that they don’t need anybody and they “really value their independence,” what they’re really saying to you is: Even though I so desperately want to, I’m terrified to get close to somebody because I’ve been let down in the past.
Even the most independent, self-sufficient, relationship-phobic people you know desperately desire love and connection. Don’t believe them when they tell you otherwise. They want and need someone. So do I, so do you, so do we all.
Of course, we didn’t choose to have our trust broken. We didn’t choose for someone to tear up our lives like a hurricane ripping through a city. But it is a choice to capitulate to our sadness and stay broken. It is a choice not to clean up the wreckage after the hurricane is gone.
Hyper-independence is a solvable problem. It doesn’t have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy of forever-aloneness. But it begins with honesty: it begins with the acknowledgement that although you have taught yourself how to be OK on your own, you don’t want to be just OK anymore. You want to thrive. And you don’t want to be alone anymore. In your heart, like everyone else, you want and need love.
Take the leap of faith, for there is no other option.
- You're a very private person. ...
- You're a workaholic/overachiever. ...
- You don't delegate tasks. ...
- You have a hard time asking for help. ...
- You're used to doing everything by yourself. ...
- You decide everything by yourself. ...
- You struggle with long-term relationships. ...
- You dislike needy people.
Yes, being independent is good. Being independent means you are strong and self-sufficient. But there’s nothing wrong with needing other people every once in a while. In fact, it’s only human! We all need love in our lives; we all crave companionship and affection; we all want to feel accepted, appreciated, and understood by other people. And no matter how hard we might try, we can’t do everything all on our own.
So while it may not be easy at first, we have to do our best to open up to those around us and allow ourselves to trust again, to ask for help when we need it. It’s scary to need someone or want them around, and even scarier to let ourselves love them, but having close, meaningful relationships with others is what makes life so worthwhile.
As the famous American lecturer and author Brene Brown once said, “Vulnerability is the only bridge we have to build connections with others.
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